Codependence goes like this. We like to associate with people that are complete. It may sound like a very strange very arrogant thing to say but it is the truth. However like attracts like. In the case where we do not attract something whole this is generally because we are not whole. Even though we might like to think that we are. It is very common in our experience, especially in the western world to find halves attracting halves, and this is a fundamental problem that we have in our society.
A half attracts another half into its life in order to become a whole. We believe if you add one person that’s half to another person that’s half you get one person. It’s even in our terminology, we say “’Im searching for my other half” or “I’m searching for my twin flame”. We might even say “I’m searching to be made whole” or “’I’m looking for a partner that can complete me and I can complete them”. Well this is where the problem starts.
No matter which way we look at it half plus half does not make two. Half plus half makes one. Two halves make one complete thing not two complete things. When we see completeness in someone else we make a huge problem for ourselves. Because that area in which the other is not complete we don’t respect them. And the areas in which we are not complete, others don’t respect us. And it doesn’t take long for two half beings to start displaying a lack of respect towards one another.
In other words with codependence, when they get over one another’s positive attributes and they start noticing their flaws and their weaknesses, they start expressing it. And when they express it then the opposite one expresses their disdain for what they observe in return. We call that type of relationship (where people are endeavouring to complete themselves through partnership with other people) we call that a co-dependent relationship.
Codependency does not only just extend to people that are couples. It’s intergenerational. And there is a competitive edge to the masculine and feminine which we’re still experiencing today. This is a huge problem as it prevents both sides from developing fully. Because they’re not concentrating on themselves in their own personal development. It’s about who’s right and who’s wrong within the relationship itself. It’s all competition really. I did this, you did that, why didn’t you do this, etc.
But we find that we might rather stick with this, and just remain in this space, when two halves are competing for power over who is in charge of the one. We have a problem because neither one wants to concede. Both want to be on top. And where one concedes and says “okay you can take charge here” then the one who takes charge usually takes charge brutally and subjects the other one to subservience. Then you have dominance and subservience within a relationship, and it can only result in despair.
Neither are going to be growing through their experience. In fact what tends to happen is that they both degenerate as a result of the relationship. So it’s not unusual to have a three-quarter person, and another three-quarter person coming together having a pretty whole relationship. But as time goes on over five years… ten years… the whittling down of each one as a result of the inadequacies becomes evident. So the two three quarter people, become two halves, which eventually become two fifths, which eventually become a third and a third. It’s called reductionism.
We reduce through these codependent relationships. It’s not uncommon to have people say something like: “Before I got married I was this person, I had credentials, I had various interests, various hobbies, various skills and I used to exercise those, I had lots of friends, different types of friends, and then I met Stan. And stan was a gifted guy as well you know, he had all kinds of attributes and he also been to tertiary education. He was competed, he got a good job, he was good with money, he was like this, he was like that, and so on. I don’t know what happened but during the relationship things just got worse and worse. Now I have no friends, I haven’t done any of the things that I love to do, the inherent qualities and skills that I had when I was a kid i just don’t do them anymore.”
The degeneration is evident in codependent relationships. We prop each other up for the sake of pretences as far other people are concerned. We make out that we’re having a good relationship in the eyes of everyone else. We make a show for our dignity. But the truth of the matter is that once the doors closed and the two of you are in the room together things are decidedly different. That’s when the gloves come off. We find that in workplaces as well. Maybe a man goes to work he’s popular in his office, he’s a very well-known guy, everybody loves him. Everybody says to his wife “Oh you’re such a fortunate woman, he’s such a nice guy, you’re so fortunate to have this man as your husband”. But the truth, which only she can see, is that she knows that that’s not what comes home to be with her. That’s not what is in the home. Because in the home it’s a completely different issue. He’s almost impossible to live with. But because of the three kids they keep it together, and so it goes on.